Monday, October 23, 2017

Where I'm At + My Response to You

I want to check-in and be pretty authentic and raw today. I want to address two things: how I'm doing with my "rerooting" and my response to your survey answers.

In January I mentioned that my word of the year was "rerooting".  What I meant by this was that I was going deeper with the healthy relationships in my life & giving relationships that didn't match up with my values or hurt my witness "the ax" (for more details about this check it out here).  This has not been easy in some ways, and in other ways has continued to be a huge relief.  Some of my relationships that I got rid of have removed a lot of strain from my life and I'm so grateful for that.  I'm not as worried about how my relationships reflect my love for Jesus and I don't have the conviction about my friendships.  It is very clear that my desire is to follow Christ, go deeper with God, and protect my fruit especially by what I expose them to.  Unfortunately, several relationships that I ended have confirmed my decision.  Many do not understand my decision to sever some relationships and those individuals have chosen to bash me on Facebook or to other mutual friends.  I don't mind people talking about me for standing up for what God has convicted my heart of.  I am committed to walking in friendships that honor the Lord, and I have continued to glean through my relationships this year.  One of my spiritual gifts is the gift of mercy (Romans 12:8) and this is something that has made me completely weary the past couple years.  I have continually encouraged, prayed for, & checked in on others so much so that I have ended up with a bunch of one-sided relationships where I feel taken advantage of.  Not establishing healthy boundaries has been my fault completely and I take full responsibility, but I'm completely empty now because I'm giving others so much that I'm not being filled myself.  So this is another area of my life that I have had to revisit this year, since about August, and add to my theme of "rerooting".  I am not a licensed counselor or life coach, I'm just one person that is very empty.  I cannot keep pouring into others to the point that I am empty for my mission field at home.  So for now I am forcing myself to cut back a little and have boundaries that are healthier.  I'm not going to cut it out completely because it is a gift that I have been given and one that I'm expected to use for the Kingdom, but I need to be smarter with this gift.  All-in-all though, I can honestly say that I have stayed true to my rerooting theme for the year, and I hope to continue for the rest of my life.  I am in a season of my life where it is incredibly important for me to protect my fruit, my children, and I will continue to do this with God's help.

Next I wanted to address the surveys that y'all completed back at the end of August.  While I LOVED hearing your feedback, initially it was a small pill to swallow.  I know that I was the one who asked for the feedback but some comments still sting a little.  I'm aware that I'm not perfect & I don't intend to have a blog that meets everyone where they are, but still sometimes my pride can get hurt.  Know what I mean?  Anyways, I totally get that your comments were genuine and honest, and that I LOVE about you guys, so when I got over myself, I was ready to answer some of the things that were mentioned more than others: Ellis & The Mr.

It seems like many of you are dying to hear about Ellis' birth story.  So far I have shared pictures from her birth-day with you but that is all.  This was not an accident.  Honestly, I am STILL not at a place where I can express my emotions related to that day.  I briefly mentioned before that I was still processing her birth, and to be frank with you, I am still dealing with a lot of postpartum trauma.  Vocalizing how I'm feeling, requires acceptance, and I can't do that yet.  I'm still angry, hurting, and grieving.  I can't even really do it with my husband, so I certainly am not at a place where I can publish it here.  That day was crazy in that I received one of the best gifts I have ever been given for which I'm incredibly grateful, but I was also broken and knocked down in more ways than I thought possible all in one day.  So I know you want to hear that story, and I too want to be at a place where I can acknowledge all of the details of that day, but I just can't. Yet.  It is still very raw for me.  One day; I hope.

The second thing y'all asked the most about was The Mr.  Our marriage is in a really good place (getting ready to celebrate the big 10 years!) but you don't see it often around LWTH.  That is also not an accident.  The Mr. is a very, very, private person.  He is one of the rare people that is not even on Facebook, or any other form of social media; very different from most.  In fact, there is a girl in our Sunday School class who reads my blog (Hi Holly!), who is convinced that The Mr. works for the FBI.  hahaha he doesn't, I assure you, but he is a very quiet and private person.  He respectfully let me know that he was uncomfortable with a blog about 5 years ago.  After much discussion, we decided that I would not include as much about him on here anymore.  I don't mind honoring that request; that was so easy actually.  Now I know what you're thinking, "This blog is called 'LIFE' with the Hawleys'" so it may seem odd that he, being such a crucial member of our family, is rarely mentioned.  Yea, I get that, but I do share the other major parts of our life that he is comfortable with and some pictures occasionally.  I talk extensively about recipes and homeschooling, because honestly that is my entire life right now it seems.  I cook. I clean. I teach. Repeat.  It's not the most glamorous life, but this is where I'm at and I love it.  Also, I know that it will change again, many times, and I guess that is just one favorable part of a lifestyle blog, that the blog evolves with the writer.  So please know that The Mr. is still around. We are still married. He just doesn't like being discussed here, or any where else for that matter.

Okay so there you have it: some deep, raw, emotional, gooey-ness. That's enough for one day, right?
xoxo Darby


Lindsay @ Trial By Sapphire said...

I feel like I have so much to say about this post, and yet, none of what is coming to mind in a way that translates well enough to my fingertips and the keyboard. Most importantly, continue to make the choices that feel best for you and the family. Even though negativity (in any form) can feel hard to escape sometimes, none of it will come into view when your focus is on family and other things/people that bring you joy. YOU DO YOU, DARBY! :)

StephTheBookworm said...

I'm sorry to hear about the fall out of having to sever some of your relationships. That's really hurtful that people are going out of their way to bash you over it. You have to do what is best for you and your kiddos and they need to accept it.
I didn't know that you had such a hard time with the birth of Ellis. Thanks for sharing that. I hope you are able to overcome it in time. I'm sure you will because you are strong and determined.

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